Yesterday morning was a rough spiritual moment for me. I don’t think I’ve ever been so upset and angry at God. Mom’s accident with the lawnmower, and the resulting physical and emotional pain, somehow didn’t upset me. I understand we live in a broken world where things don’t go the way we, or God, intend. However, I really felt compelled to pray for complete restoration of her fingers – more so than I’ve ever felt about something. So I prayed that prayer, and I asked others to pray it with me. I asked that when the gauze was removed, her fingers would be whole. It didn’t happen.
I was so frustrated and confused by God’s power and love. I know that I’ll never be able to protect my daughters from every pain – I’ll try, but I know I’ll fail. I also know that if it is within my power, I will do anything I can to bring healing to the wound. God loves us infinitely more, and has infinite power. He could heal mom’s fingers. If I know how to give good gifts to my daughters, God surely does. Yet more often than not I see prayers for healing declined. In my frustration I asked “What’s the point of having a big God if He won’t do big things” and realized how wrong the basis of my question was – I don’t have a big God, but a big God has me (and my mom). Still, it wasn’t a second or two before I rephrased – “What’s the point of being a big God if you won’t do big things.”
Though I didn’t have the energy to journal about it, yesterday’s reading (Lamentations 3:22-33) left me feeling better, but still frustrated. Honestly, I’m still frustrated. Oddly, there is still a glimmer of hope in me that her fingers will be restored when they take off the bandages from the surgery. And I hate that hope. I can almost already feel the second round of crushing disappointment and resulting renewed frustration.
In the midst of this, yesterday afternoon God fulfilled a prayer and hope that I’ve had for maybe a couple months now – a gorgeous decked out minivan. We’re getting more than I hoped for at an incredible price. Amy told me she’s never seen me so excited about anything – and she’s probably right – I really am excited about this car. And thankful. We waited patiently (ok, I may have tried to find a van on my own), and God did something great.
As I’ve continued to talk with God and express my frustration and disappointment about mom’s fingers, there are a couple things he’s reminded me. This is a broken world, broken things happen. Mom’s body will soon die and then she’ll be whole in a way I can’t even begin to fathom. Lamentations really was an encouragement. God DOES love my mom – more than I do. And this morning, I really felt him say “I will care for your mom.”
Ultimately, our bodies are broken no matter what – what mom needs, what I need, and what everyone needs, is a god who will restore our soul and the chasm established in our sin. Only the Lord, the God to whom I belong is capable of making that restoration, and it is more important, more loving, and more miraculous than any other healing which may or may not take place in our lives.
Thank you Lord for bearing my anger and frustration – for being big. I still pray for the restoration of my Mom’s fingers, but am grateful for our current relationship with Christ, and for our ultimate salvation.
